As a field researcher
for merlin.org, I've been engaged for several years
in determining new and exciting uses for the enhanced psychic powers
that are every person's birthright, cruelly denied us by the enigmatic
enemy we face. Just recently, we here at merlin.org have been
developing a truly astounding new use for our psychic gifts:
Immortality through Personality Transference
(IPT).
Here at our secret labs in the barren wastelands of northern
censored, merlin.org
researchers have trapped dozens of hapless simps to
serve as hosts for the personality of intrepid psychic explorers.
THE BREAKTHROUGH
On December 16, 1997, Experiment Code Name
Ezekiel reached its fruition.
Placed in the death chamber, surrounded by choking clouds of poison
gas, I was able to use my enhanced psychic abilities to
transfer my Personality/Memory Construct (PMC) into
the brain of a shrewish housewife, obtained through merlin.org's employee recruitment program.
I watched as my former body, devoid of a controlling PMC, writhed in
mindless agony at the cruel hands of VX neurotoxin.
Success was ours!
THE PROCEDURE
The procedure is quite simple:
- At the speed of thought, you too can drive the
PMC out of the average weak-willed human.
- Their puny underdeveloped psychic muscles, woefully underutilized
from years of mindless slavery to the Overmind, will
crumble and fall under a concentrated psychic onslaught.
- Their brainpan will be an open book to you, waiting the
writing of your PMC on its smooth blue-grey pages.
The entire PMC transferral takes place in less than a nanosecond,
although if you encounter an especially strong-willed individual, or
if the circumstances of your death have tapped your orgone energy
reserves, PMC transferral could take a millisecond, possibly two.
Regardless, all but the most
sudden deaths can be avoided by the prepared psychically capable
individual.
Readiness is the key!
- Do not let self-indulgent sentimentality cloud your thoughts.
- Do not let last-second philosophizing on the nature of
death cloud your thoughts.
- Do not let a curiosity to explore the Afterworld
cloud your thoughts.
- Most importantly, do not let that most despicable fiend,
yellow-bellied fear, cloud your thoughts.
Find a suitable subject, enact the PMC transfer, and laugh as your
former body is crushed in the gaping maw of Death.
THE AFTERMATH
Immediate problems with this technique are obvious:
- What if the only body available is that of an oafish, obese
Information Technology worker clad in an imitation Klingon uniform?
- It's really quite simple - just perform another PMC transfer when a
more suitable vessel (wessel, in your new jargon) becomes
available.
It's amusing to watch a body devoid of a PMC wander aimlessly,
drooling helplessly and uttering inchoate moans of
despair. Revel in the power afforded to you by your
superior psychic gifts, but also consider those who would deny us the
powers that are rightfully ours.
CONCLUSION
Researchers at merlin.org are currently studying the distance over
which a PMC transfer can be performed successfully. Soon, you will be
able to keep a clone of your body in storage at merlin.org, an empty
vessel awaiting your death should distant PMC transferral become
practical for someone of your psychic maturity.
Imagine: Dying in a fetid gutter in India, only
to wake in a clean room in our labs, your PMC safely housed in a
fresh, new body.
The possibilities are endless, and surely you can see how we at
merlin.org are excited to usher in this new age of unrivalled
wisdom, power, and
knowledge.
Join us in a spirit of adventure as we enter the new
era!
J. Robert Ayanami en Mary Twiggenham nee Cooper ex Stephen J. Frisk,
Chief of merlin.org Field R&D
research@merlin.org
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